


when breath becomes air

by chikage



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, M/M, POV Gotoh, character study of sorts, gotoh thinks of killua as his own son, spoilers for a couple of other arcs actually, spoilers for the 13th chairman election arc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 05:37:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20559122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chikage/pseuds/chikage
Summary: Gotoh is there when Killua takes his first breath, he’s also there when Killua drinks his first drop of poison, falls in love and finds what he wants to do in his life.Now translated intoChineseby the amazingsamurai-fuu!!





	when breath becomes air

Gotoh is still just a regular Zoldyck butler when Killua is born. Its early July when Killua enters the world, three weeks late as if he himself never wanted to be brought into the world. A stubborn tiny being adorned with a crown of startling white hair.

It’s then that Gotoh’s suspicions first rise; the third child of the infamous Zoldyck family will most likely be the heir.

**: : : :**

Gotoh is there when Killua takes his first breath, he’s also there when Killua drinks his first drop of poison, falls in love and finds what he wants to do in his life.

**: : : :**

Gotoh is Killua’s official butler. He’s the one making sure that Killua stays safe and sound. He keeps Killua happy and feeds him when he cries. It’s his duty.

They start Killua’s training at birth, after all, it’s the best time to start, with most childhood memories being forgotten as you age. Even with him being just a butler, Gotoh knows that even starting a day late is all it takes to mess up the training process. They lace poison into his milk, various types and as they lose their effect on little Killua they switch it out for something harder, something different, by the time Killua’s ready for solid foods, he’s almost completely immune to poison.

They break his bones during this time too. Dislocating his little bones as they grow, twisting, breaking, changing their natural structure and as Killua’s cries bounce off the walls of the mansion and into every corner of the estate, they continue, little by little. Illumi breaks them, Zeno breaks them, _Gotoh_ breaks them. It’s part of training and this is only the beginning of the process, this will make it easier, less painful for Killua when he has to start training under his father and eldest brother for the first times. The process of breaking and rebreaking, dislocating and twisting bones is only the first step in gaining an assassin’s claws.

They start at birth, because as the child ages he will forget all that has happened to him.

His mentality will stay intact.

And the rigorous training will have no effect on his mind; therefore Killua will remain strong, his mind will remain intact and his faith in the family strong.

**: : : :**

Gotoh first takes Killua out of the mansion and into the surrounding woods when he’s almost nine months old. It’s time for him to meet Mike, the guard dog in training.

Killua barely blinks when he comes face to face with Mike. The baby is only just a spot in Gotoh’s arms as he stares up at Mike, with his big blue eyes and arms stretched out, wanting to pet what he thinks is a cute giant puppy. 

Spit flies out of Killua’s mouth as he giggles, hands clapping together, he squirms in Gotoh’s arms, trying to move forward and toward Mike, who just stares at the tiny little rugrat. 

Gotoh watches as Mike tilts his head, studying his new master. Silva may be the head of the Zoldyck family, but when it comes to Mike, each and every member of the family are his master. 

Gotoh takes a step closer to Mike, allowing the young master to have his wish fulfilled. Killua’s chubby pale fingers land onto Mike’s nose. 

As Mike growls, Killua smiles. 

Seeing it is strange, surreal almost, most cower before Mike, most of the butlers had been wary when Mike was first brought into the estate. And when Illumi and Milluki had met Mike, Illumi stared at the dog uninteresting and Milluki asked if he could go back inside. But Killua…

Killua reaches out his round chubby hands and he giggles as if he’s talking to Mike in some weird language he has made up. 

And Gotoh knows, that out of all the Zoldycks, Killua is special.

**: : : :**

They treat training as if it were a game. Masters Silva and Illumi are the ones who mainly train but from time to time Gotoh would train Young Master Killua’s mind, sitting him in the family living room, they’d play a game Gotoh made up.

He tosses a coin up into the air, moving both of his hands in tandem he catches the coin with it barely being seen. 

Killua sticks out his tiny tongue. His eyes shifting back and forth between his butler’s hands. Gotoh has never seen a child so calculating, so focused. 

It’s almost freighting to think about it. 

At two, Young Master Killua can withstand the pain and pressure of his bones being broken and dislocated. 

At two, he’s almost completely immune to poisons. 

At two, his mental development is great. He has great focus when it comes to things he deems not boring. Games and bribes of various kinds, is how they keep him focused and ready. 

Games like these are how they train him right now. 

Killua points at Gotoh’s right hand. That one, he says. Gotoh opens his right hand and like a flower blooming it appears. The gold coin is bright and shiny in his hand. 

Killua shoves his prize in his mouth, a piece of milk chocolate that Zeno had brought home after a mission. 

Gotoh smiles. He’ll have to come up with new tricks.

**: : : :**

When Young Master Killua goes through withdrawal, everything is hell. Gotoh himself can feel the second hand symptoms.

His parents have finally decided that it’s time for him to start eating clean foods and drinking clean drinks, no more poison for him. It’s a slow process, but as Killua continues to throw up and his fever continues to rise, his body becomes cleaner. He doesn’t understand what’s going on or what’s happening to him. His parents only tell him that he’s sick, the common flu they say.

Gotoh can’t tell if the Young Master believes them or not. He doesn’t question anything.

Gotoh stays by Young Master Killua’s side throughout the days and the nights he’s feeling unwell.

**: : : :**

Killua is three when Alluka is born. To say the child is uninterested in his new sibling is an understatement. When Gotoh had taken him into the new baby’s room Killua had just stared at Alluka and poked the baby’s pink chubby cheek before leaving the room to find something more interesting.

It’s weird seeing Young Master Killua so detached. Gotoh is used to seeing him get along with his siblings, whether it be clinging onto Illumi’s leg as the walk or sitting in Milluki’s lap, watching the TV screen with bright eyes as his tiny fingers grip the game controller, figuring out how to play every new game they come across. 

Its two months after Alluka is born that Killua leaves the estate for the first time. It’s part of the next step of his training: the art of tailing people. Half a year prior he gained the ability to transform his hands into claws at will. And just recently, after playing various versions of hide-and-seek with Illumi and taking up bribes and bets from Master Zeno to steal random objects from his siblings, Killua has begun to learn how to hide his presence.

Killua goes on his first tailing mission alone and Gotoh waits patiently for the Young Master to return home. It’s life or death out there and even after all his training what’s to come next is a mystery.

It’s always life or death out there for an assassin.

Gotoh doesn’t want to see Killua come home harmed.

**: : : :**

It’s just after Kalluto is born that the two siblings actually interact with each other.

Gotoh watches as they play. 

Young Master Killua is five and Young Master Alluka is now two, and now able to walk. 

Alluka follows Killua just about everywhere. Killua doesn’t seem to mind, not anymore at least. He plays with Alluka when he doesn’t have a job from his parents or has to train. It’s a complete turn around from before. 

Now that Alluka can walk and semi-talk—it’s mostly the same nonsense most babies sprout—Killua pays more attention. It’s as if a switch has been turned and now Alluka isn’t deemed as the boring baby whose only job is to cry, that job has gone to Kalluto. 

It’s rare for Gotoh to be watching Killua nowadays. Killua is always off with one of his siblings, be it Illumi or Milluki or Alluka. And when he’s with Alluka, Gotoh isn’t required to watch them, Alluka’s butler is. Today’s one of the rare occasions when Gotoh watches them play in the sandbox. 

Young Master Killua has had to grow up fast when it came to his training, but seeing him like this, laughing and free as he drags his toy dinosaur through the air and tells Alluka the dino’s story, brings a smile to Gotoh’s face. 

He hopes Killua would always stay like this:

happy.

**: : : :**

Master Silva drops Young Master Killua off at the Heaven’s Arena when he’s six.

The house seems empty without Young Master Killua. 

Empty and lonely.

**: : : :**

Something is different when Maser Killua returns home from Heaven’s Arena.

He’s the same child that Gotoh has always known, but there’s something...off about him. 

He’s bruised and battered and his backpack is filled with millions of jenny along with those chocorobos he loves so much. 

One look at Killua and Gotoh knows that Killua has yet to find out about nen and what it is. Aside from training, Heaven’s Arena was supposed to introduce Master Killua to nen. 

Master Silva will most likely enhance Killua’s physical abilities instead of moving onto nen. 

But there’s something in his eyes that Gotoh can’t pinpoint. It’s a look that no eight year old should have and it’s worries Gotoh, gnaws at his heart. 

Young Master Killua comes home and acts as if nothing ever happened. As if he was never gone for almost two years.

He comes home and smiles down at Alluka and makes paper objects with Kalluto. 

He argues and plays video games with Milluki as per usual. 

And he continues to follow Illumi’s advice. But there’s something different in his eyes as he looks at his eldest brother. 

And that’s what has Gotoh worried the most.

**: : : :**

The only ones who are home when it happens are Master Milluki and Mistress Kikyo and of course the butlers.

Masters Silva and Zeno are our on a job as well as Masters Illumi and Kalluto. 

Gotoh is out in the butlers quarters when it happens. As head butler he has to foresee that each and every butler is capable and today he’s overseeing Canary’s training progress. 

It’s during the middle of her test that the intercom sparks to life and Mistress Kikyo’s voice fills the air. A loud ear piercing wail from her and Master Milluki yells, get him! Stop him! That fuckin’ brat!

Gotoh doesn’t know what to think. 

When Gotoh arrives, Killua is gone, but his mother and brother are there. 

Kikyo’s hand covers her face, the skin on her face is torn and shredded, pieces of skin still cling to the skin and Milluki is lying on the ground, his insides bleeding out at an alarming rate. 

Killua has just ranaway.

Ranaway to who knows where.

**: : : :**

Master Killua returns on his own accord a few weeks later.

Gotoh feels nothing but emptiness radiating off of Master Killua as he walks through the estate. 

Master Killua is like a robot. He only walks forward, there’s no hello for Kalluto, he doesn’t try and sneak downstairs to see Alluka from where she’s been locked up, and nor does he go to his room. 

Milluki is the first of the family to actually see Killua followed by Kikyo who cradles her third son’s head and coos loving words of praise. 

Gotoh watches Killua, whose eyes are dark and empty. 

Those eyes look like death warmed over.

**: : : :**

Gon Freecss comes in like a storm.

No, not a storm, but like a volcano’s eruption. 

He storms into the Zoldyck estate, with two others in tow. He screams and yells and lets the whole world know that he’s taking Killua back—as if Killua was his in the first place. 

Gotoh doesn’t like him. 

Gon who's trying to steal Killua away. 

Gon who has only known for what Gotoh could guess, a couple of days, maybe a week or two at most. 

Gon comes in with two others, his determination and pride in tow and lets the whole damn estate along with the world know he’s taking Killua away. 

Gotoh wants Gon to fail. 

He wants Mike to eat Gon. 

But that doesn’t happen, instead Gon enters through the testing gates, he stands up against one of the butlers and plays a game with Gotoh. 

A game that Gotoh has stooped low in and used dishonest methods. 

Killua leaves with Gon. 

And Gotoh’s heart cracks.

**: : : :**

Maybe it was for the best.

Master Silva had probably seen something in Killua and that’s why he let Killua go. 

So why can’t Gotoh. 

Maybe it’s for the best. 

Yeah. 

Master Killua is probably happier. 

And knowing that, Gotoh is able to continue on.

**: : : :**

Killua eventually comes back, granted he only comes back for Alluka.

But there’s a new light to his eyes, a new determination, but there’s also something darker, not quite the same as when he threatens someone, it’s more like there’s a certain sadness to him. 

Even under level four restrictions Killua is determined. He’s going to make the most of everything from what Gotoh can see. 

Killua smiles around Alluka, like everything’s okay. But Gotoh still sees the invisible tears in Killua’s eyes as he focuses on the limo’s floor. 

His knuckles are clenched and shaking and Gotoh can almost feel Killua stopping himself from shifting his hands into claws. 

Killua has the eyes of someone who’s about to lose someone precious, someone they love. 

And Gotoh would bet his life to say that that person is Gon Freecss. 

It shatters his own heart, but Gon makes Killua happy and Gotoh is willing to throw everything away for Killua to be happy, he just hopes nothing bad will come of it.

**: : :**

When the car crashes and they separate. Gotoh only has one thought.

Help Killua.

Killua comes first, always.

**: :**

When they seperate Gotoh knows that Killua will be alright. Everything will be fine.

Illumi won’t catch him and neither would that freaky friend of his. 

Alluka will stay by Killua’s side and Gon will be alright. 

Killua will be happy. 

He’ll be happy because Gon makes him happy and Gon will be alright after this. 

Killua loves Gon. Gon loves Killua. 

And as much as Gotoh doesn’t want to let Killua go, he must. 

But it’s alright. Everything is alright.

**:**

They catch him. Well to be precise Hisoka catches him.

But they don’t catch Canary or Amane. 

Nor do they catch Killua or Alluka. 

It’s just him. 

And for that Gotoh is thankful.

Up until his last breath, Gotoh is thankful.

**————**

_Gotoh watches Killua grow, from a tiny newborn baby to the boy full of love he currently is. From Killua’s first breath to Gotoh’s last, he will continue to protect Killua, he will continue to do what he thinks is best for Killua. He’ll keep Killua happy, whatever it takes. Even if it costs him his life._

**Author's Note:**

> might make a second part from Killua’s pov a long with a lot more extra/different scenes. dunno yet. 
> 
> my [tumblr](https://chikxge.tumblr.com/)


End file.
